I've read a couple of different blogs lately and really enjoyed reading the thoughts of these individuals so I've decided to do one myself. I hope other read this and get a different view of the world but even if they don't I'll still say these things because they need to be said.
A brief introduction:
My name is Davon, I am from Detroit, MI and currently reside in Pensacola, FL. First and foremost I am a Christian which isn't something I'm proud of, but grateful for because I received this gift via God's grace and not my own works. I was saved in Feb 2010 at HTBC(my current church) and God's love has changed me from the man I was to the man I am today which again I am extremely grateful to him for. I think the best way to begin this whole blog thing is to talk about one of my earliest clear memories.
I come from a home where my parents were not married. Not to draw any pity, both of them loved myself and my siblings in unique but definite ways. They both also lived on opposite sides of the country. My mother in Detroit and my Father primarily in Fort Walton Beach. I can't remember the time frames too clearly but they shared custody of my brother and I and we would spend sums of time with each parent whether it be a summer or a school year it kinda shifted around there for a while. The number one constant though, through it all was my brother Kevin and I were together no matter who we were with, and although we fought A LOT I loved my brother dearly and to this day that love remains. I have other siblings that I have gained over the years that I love dearly as well but Kevin and I were in my mind, a set. Inseparable. Well again for many years we bounced back in forth between our parents oblivious to the goings about in the adult world, just with a simple understanding that we were either going to stay with mom or Dad for a while and both were great in their own way so who really cares which one we're with. One day I remember (I think i was 11) my father had sat me down and straight forward asked me who I wanted to live with indefinitely. One parent would be the live with parent and the other would be the summer vacation parent. I'm sure it was a question merely designed to help create a consistency that would allow my brother and I to lead stable lives. Regardless, I hated that moment and still do to this day. I love you is all I wanted to say back, then get up and leave and disappear into nothing. "I don't want to choose because to do so is to say I love one of you more than the other or that I prefer one of you more than the other," is what my mind screamed over and over when faced with that question. I think to this day one of my greatest strengths and weaknesses is I am a loyalist. If I feel you genuinely love me than I want to give you the world. Protect you from all harm, shelter you from all storms and reflect and multiply the feeling of elation I have from knowing that your love for me is legit as many fold as possible. Even at that age, I knew love was precious beyond material measure and I may have received a lot of spankings coming up(deservedly so as well) but I KNEW my parents loved me. I wanted to beg him to just choose for me and no matter what keep me with Kevin, but even at that age I knew that thinking that way was childish and I couldn't afford to be childish in that way. Now that I think about it I still had many childish good times, but I think that was when my childhood ended. Its incredible to me that I can even pinpoint a spot in my life where I felt the world flip the off switch on my boyhood and on to my introduction to manhood. So i sat there and thought, I'd been with my Father about a year, he was really busy with work so we didn't see him too much. I never felt neglected by him, in my mind we shared parts of the same soul me being part of his and he being part of mine. Yet I didn't feel I guess connected to him the way I did with my mother. Mom was... Mom. She cooked, she cleaned, she worried she was evident. I knew how she felt because she displayed it so blatantly. I question now if it was a case of the grass is always greener on the other side, but at that time when I stopped and had to make a decision on who I wanted to live with the only rationalization I could muster to make that decision was who could I not live without. Again I loved my father but my mind was like if you were stuck on a desert island which one would you take and the choice there was Mom. She could cook lol. IDK if this is a cultural thing but I, to this day, I believe that one of the best ways to show someone you care for them is to feed them. My Mom and Grandma were masterful cooks and I always saw and appreciated the time and effort they put into satisfying my hunger with delicious, homemade, yummy foods that just tasted like the words I love you. I needed her because she could cook, I needed her because in every meal she said I love you. I needed her because she said I love you. Yes, verbally often but in action it was constant. My father provided for us which I now understand was his way of saying I love you but at that age I wanted to hear it loudly. I didn't want to question it or doubt it, not even for a second. I chose my Mother in my heart and mind also because I was analyzing my parent's strength. I knew who I could not live without, but who could not live without me? I didn't even have to think on that one, my Mom. Dad was strong, self sufficient, he could do anything I literally believed he was the strongest man in the world in all aspects. My mom called all the time and made inquiries on our treatment and physical/emotional well being. So much so you would have thought my Father was a babysitter instead of my legal guardian. She called and every time we spoke I knew that my love was something she needed and I was so grateful for that. I never wanted that to end. I needed to be with her or it could fade. I had to choose Mom "she's the love of my life," I thought to myself, and so I did. I chose the one I couldn't be without and the one that couldn't be without me.
